Even Righteous Minds Go Through This
Writing this blog has been on my heart for some time now, and I decided when QueenPin turned one, that I would do just that. But upon it's first birthday, I didn't know what to write about; and It wasn't until later that a group of us were having a conversation on depression, then it hit me.
Out of the group, there was one person who didn't believe in depression, and it kind of reminded of myself at one point, seeing as though I didn't believe in it, either. But unlike him, a great deal of my theory of disbelief came from my ongoing battle with "science", and how I feel the world wants to "label" everything, dodging the fact we're human and we're going to experience different emotions (which in no form shall I publically expound on lol); and to some extent I was correct. While researching depression for this post I came across the definition according to healthline.com, which states:
"Sadness and grief are normal human emotions. We all have those feelings from time to time, but they usually go away within a few days. Major depression is something more. It's a period of overwhelming sadness. It inlvolves a loss of interest in things that bring pleasure. These feelings are usually accompanied by other emotional and physical symptoms."
or as Dr. Tony Evans put it, "Depression is discouragement on steriods."
and By both definitions, I realized I WAS DEPRESSED.
As foolish as this may sound, I initially didn't know I was. It wasn't until I watched a sermon by Dr. Tony Evans on the prophet, Elijah, that I truly believed, and identified that it was something I (like many others) was experiencing.
I felt really weird in that season. I cried, cried, cried, cried, cried. Day in and day out, I cried. But only assumed it was a result of me needing to take a vacation, go shopping, change my hair, create a goal to accomplish, or maybe I was being too idle. And looking back, seeking all of those (meaningless) things never did, and never will help.
As a result, I created a journal, because I didn't know how I was feeling, let alone how to tell someone else. With me crying what seemed like every 20 minutes, I had to quickly regroup when I was accompanied by another person. And To be honest, it wasn't forced, because "having it all together" was something that was natural for me. I didn't like people seeing me sweat or being vulnerable; so I kept it hidden, and only unveiled my weaknesses to those I felt most comfortable (which were not even a handful).
As life brought more challenges the more depressed I became. Everything I took pride in, GOD had taken away: my independence, my ego, my relationship with my daughter, my relationship, my ambition, my happiness, my ability to comfort others, my appearance, the way I dressed, all causing my faith in GOD to waiver. For awhile I felt like someone had my head submereged under water and let me up only enough so I wouldn't die, and then right back under I went. I even had a moment when I wanted to throw my bible. My thoughts were so cloudy , and my judgement was impaired. I was lost, and everything about me I deemed great, died.
While I won't go into detail about each of those trials (to of course save room for further posts lol), I will say what happened was necessary. I was broken down to my lowest, and it took all that I went through for GOD to show me who HE really is; which is a miracle worker, a healer, a way-maker, a deliverer, a fixer, and most importantly, loving (so loving, He sent a PERFECT MAN (not you or I), Jesus, to take on our burdens).
With much emphasis on Jesus being PERFECT, becasue that is something that I struggled with...perfection. I thought if I did it RIGHT (which meant PERFECT, in my book), then I would get whatever it was I desired. Perfection drove me to live a life of fear, scared of offending people. I was scared to take many chances that I knew I should have, but because of fear's crippling effect, I made a lot of bad choices. And I'm sure when many people read this, they will wonder HOW, just HOW could Keerie be depressed? To be honest, I don't know either. I was always there to comfort others in their time of need, always had the right thing to say, always gave, always was a shoulder to lean on, and always wanted to make sure everyone around me was fine. All of those things were cool, but to be honest, I thought I was operating in my own strength, and as GOD revealed, it was something He didn't want.
Being dependant on anyone else outside of myself made me weak, but when GOD stripped me of everything, I had to. For the most part, no one gave me grief about assisting me, but it was my pride. At that time, I was very prideful. I always loved Christ and wanted to live for Him, but when we got to the part where living for Him meant being dependant on Him to do things and not myself, I couldn't take it. I prided myself on being so ambitious, and that even turned into many days of being in the house and not wanting to come out. On days I didnt work, right before my daugher came home from school, I had pep-talks about how she couldn't see me like that, so it was time to pull it together. And although some problems weighed in heavier than others, the result of them all happening at once, with what seemed like there was nothing I could do about it, made me so hopeless at times.
In those instances where I was given a chance to breathe (while feeling like I was submereged under water), GOD would show me a small glimpse "of His hand" (which was my prayer), to keep me going, and once that wore off, I was back to square one. I would have "meltdowns" (as my friend Janae would call them lol), which toward the end were happening without my consent. What I was able to hide for so long from everybody else, was bursting out of me, and I had no control. My funny and bubbly conversations with clients, turned into tear and prayer sessions. Looking back, the expressions on their faces were priceless, because I would be just fine one moment and then crying the next. And as it got closer to GOD bringing me a series of events that would be my breakthrough, the meltdowns happened more frequently, leading to one ultimate meltdown the last day.
After taking my daughter to school, I laid back down (in which I would usually go in my prayer closet to pray and cry), but this particular morning I couldn't. The weight became extremely too much to bear. I laid down, cried, and placed the cover over my head, crying and telling GOD how I didn't want to get back up, then I heard a friend of mine's voice say so clear: "The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy", and in that moment I knew I couldn't be defeated. I had a pep-talk with myself about how I was going to "get it together". And since that day, I've been walking closer to GOD than ever.
This isn't a "tell all" about me, its just a true account/testimony and "tell all" about Jesus. Depression is SO REAL, but Jesus is realer. Look at Elijah, a righteous man (who GOD used to do great things), was depressed and discouraged, crying out for GOD asking Him why did He allow Jezebel to send people to kill him, after he had been so zealous for the the Lord. Which is the same way I (like many) felt. Or maybe you feel like you've done everything wrong, and it has you in a sunken whole. Whatever it is, it's time to turn your life over to Christ, walk with Him as He makes a way for you.
I felt compelled to be transparent about my "lows" after one of my clients told me she thought I didn't cry. It made me check myself, and inspired me to be more open. I have problems just like everyone else, and my role in this life is to encourage people to never give up, and seek the "Problem Solver" himself, Jesus Christ.